Just Waiting to Cross the Street

This past week has felt like fall. It has been beautiful outside, and it has made me want to walk and run outside as much as possible (even though the lazy side of me does not always comply). The other day I was taking a walk, going back to work. I was on the sidewalk when I noticed across the street that a young man was approaching the crosswalk with a dog. No one else besides him and his dog were around. After a few seconds, I realized that the man was blind and that this was a seeing-eye dog with him. Traffic was whizzing past on both streets. I continued walking and watched to see if the dog would know what to do. I then noticed that the traffic had stopped for the man and his dog to  cross. I stopped walking as well and just watched. I saw that the man was holding up a white piece of paper. Everything was at a standstill for what seemed like 5 minutes, but I'm sure it was just a few seconds. So, I crossed the street and walked over to him. When I got over, I saw that his sign  said, "Please help me cross the street."I introduced myself and asked which direction he needed to go. He told me, and he grabbed my arm. I then led him across the street. Even though there were still turns and stops to go on the sidewalk ahead, he said that he had it from there and thanked me. I left him after that.

I left that encounter wanting to cry. My mind instantly just wanted to ask God, "Why him?" "Why not me?" "Why?" "Why?" "Why?" A young man with his whole life in front of him in this new chapter of his life? I didn't quite finish my thoughts on suffering and the sovereignty and goodness of the Lord before another thought from the Lord came to me.

"Rachel, that is you." Physically, no it is not, and I take that for granted so much. But spiritually, that's me, or more, that should be me.  I'm walking down my journey of life and I get to the end of myself. I get to the end of what I know or am comfortable with or the end of what I can control, which sometimes takes a long time. And I stop and recognize that I cannot go on just me as an independent creature. And there's "danger" passing on every side. It seems so fearful to take a step, even though I want to do it on my own and may even try to do it on my own. The only way that I know that I can "safely cross" to my next destination is when I surrender to Father and say, "Here I am. Here I am, Jesus. It's scary out there.  I don't know if I can make it. I need help to cross over." And I wait. And HE COMES. And I hold on to him, and he takes me to the next spot.

And that is what Jesus wants. He wants to carry me and my burdens. He knows that my heart is so blind, and that I can take so very few steps on my own strength without Him. He longs for me to yield to Him and hold up my sign and say "Help. Come. I need you." The fallen world or my broken self is not trustworthy, but my Father is. He is trustworthy and safe everytime. And I can cry out to Him and say, "Oh Daddy, you're here. Do you see my pain? Do you see how alone I was here? Do you see how fearful I was?" And he will hold me. And I have freedom to be...to be me, in my weakest moments, and just be in the arms of my loving and strong Father as He woos me to Himself.

I wonder how the days of my life would be different if I had to live in that close dependence on Jesus. It may not be any easier, but I know it would be so much more beautiful and peaceful and joyful. And I truly believe that is the abundant life that Jesus wants to give me.

So very thankful to Jesus for speaking to me yesterday through that young man.

Beauty

Beauty...the idea of it has captured me recently. What is beautiful for you? For me, it's being in nature, taking a walk, singing to Jesus, writing, cooking, CREATING. And I've realized more the past couple of weeks, that I long to create, but I don't feel that I'm the best at it. If someone were to describe me, I don't believe creative would be an adjective used. I can create papers or talk to someone all day long, but creative is not in me. I think of my sister, Sara. She's creative and artistic and has a natural gift to create beauty with home decor, artwork, fashion. I think of my friend, Lindsey Jo, who is a 24 year old version of Martha Stewart, who can sew, garden, and cook wonderfully. So since I have a slower schedule this summer and the hubs is working some late nights, I'm on a journey of finding something to create, something that I feel brings beauty in my life.

But for now, I realized this blog is something of beauty for me. I keep going back and forth whether to publicize it. In our technology world, I don't want the basis of my relationships to come from a blog. I know sometimes I feel connected to someone just because I see their Facebook status, when in reality, I haven't talked to them in 2 years. So, I don't want superficial relationships. But as I was on my walk just now, it hit me that maybe blogging is another avenue to create beauty. And so maybe I need to bury my pride and just do what I love doing.

So, I will have to keep you up to date with how my creative venture goes. For now though, I am enjoying the sweet presence of Jesus in this simple life.

Grace in Marriage

Marriage: well, I know that part of me has been obsessed with this topic for a long time. Years before I dated my husband now, I was reading several marriage books. I believe this was helpful in ways and unhelpful in other ways. It was helpful to hear from such wise people. It was unhelpful because it increased my expectations.

But the concept of grace in marriage has completely overtaken me the past couple of days after a wonderful marriage retreat from our church. I would say that most of marriage is a give and take. We both work right now, so we don't have as defined roles as some as far as what is appropriate for the husband to do and what is appropriate for the wife to do. I normally cook: He does dishes. I normally do laundry: he mows the grass and pays bills. I probably clean more, but he definitely does some. He does schoolwork, I take naps :) Needless to say, this is good and this is how we manage our lives. But even our roles create this checks and balance system sometimes. If I do dinner and laundry and clean all on the same day and see dishes in the sink, I can be hot (not in a good way:)) at times because I feel that it is not even. And I'm still trying to work through the idea of how we can have roles and duties and expectations that are good while still allowing grace in the relationship. But that's not the focus of this blog now.

And this goes beyond duties. I'll be at church listening to a sermon and think, "I hope he's taking this in right now." Where I should be saying, "Jesus, this is impacting me. How do you want to change me?" So, how come it is so much easier for me to be his Holy Spirit instead of surrendering to what the Holy Spirit is doing in me? How come I want to take control and be the Holy Spirit for him? Well, part of me knows how come. It goes back to the fall and part of the curse for women was desire (desire for control) for her husband.

 I am on my own journey with Jesus. My husband is on his own journey with Jesus. And we are on our journey with Jesus together. But I cannot expect his journey to be my journey or mine to be his. With any relationship, each of ours with Jesus is unique, and we will respond to Him differently.

I was so convicted of two things this weekend: that I have not been honoring the man that God has given me, and that I do not operate in a grace mentality. I am a counselor. I talk about grace all day long. I have this metal artwork hanging on my wall at work that spells out GRACE. And yet, in marriage it is difficult for me to be transformed by it.

But I think that is the whole point. The word grace in itself means that we cannot earn it or do anything enough to get it. That scares me. Honestly, I like earning sometimes because I have high expectations for me and others.  But with the strength of Jesus, we can die to ourselves and let grace transform us. And I long to be that kind of wife for my husband: the one that he feels safe to come to and lets me in on the most vulnerable parts of him because he trusts the grace that has transformed me. I want to be the one that is supporting him in all things, that is praying fervently for him. I definitely am going back more to the verse that marriage is a mystery, because the more I learn, the more mysterious it gets. But I am oh so thankful to get to be a part of this mystery of how grace is transforming us as I walk with my husband through life. And I'm so thankful that no matter what season we are in, the Holy Spirit leads us.

When our Desires turn to Tragedies

I get the most wonderful privilege of getting to hear people's stories multiple times a day, and while it is difficult at times, I don't know if there is anything else I would rather be doing. I feel very honored.
And these stories are sometimes filled with dark pain and hurt, but there are also glimpses of beauty and hope and restoration.

And sometimes I wonder...what would I do in that situation? How would things have been different for me if my dad had left when I was younger or if I came from an alcoholic family or if my sibling had attempted suicide? I'm not sure. And I don't want to say that I've felt the same exact pain as each person, because I'm sure I have not. But I wonder at times, "What would be my response if I was in their shoes?"

I was listening to a J. J. Heller song the other day on the radio driving home from work. There was a phrase in there, "All she wanted, was a baby to hold. She's still waiting at 41 years old. Her life feels like a tragedy." And I started thinking, what if that was me in 15 or 20 years. What would my response be then. I could definitely see myself feeling like that if I had wanted and anticipated something my whole life to see it never come to fruition. The song was about God's goodness despite us not understanding.

Because I believe that it is hard and difficult to grasp these heartwrenching pains of our deepest desires not being filled. And they are good and God-given desires - being close to family, having children, not having someone close pass away, having enough to provide for your family, doing the career you always dreamed.
We feel at times like we have 2 choices. We can do the obvious...act out and complain, become bitter, blame our lives on our circumstances, try to grasp whatever happiness we can at the moment to soothe this aching in our soul. Or we can choose not to feel. I tend to lean towards this end of the spectrum. I can face a lot if I brace myself for it. If I already give into the worst, then I don't feel defeated. So, maybe someone's thinking, "I've always wanted to meet someone and get married, but if I give into the fact that this isn't going to happen, then I can suppress my deepest longing for this and not feel the disappointment as much of it not happening."

And when we look at both options, they both seem understandable but destructive in their own ways. We know that acting out can bring bad consequences. But when we close ourselves off from feeling pain, then we also close ourselves off from feeling joy.  But we need a third option. How do we bring Jesus into this? I'm going to be slow to speak here or give too much advice. I'm not sure exactly how, but I know he must be there in the midst of us knowing his goodness but not understanding at all the heartwrenching pain within us. And does that make it better? Does that make the barren woman not want to have children anymore or the jobless anxious father not anxious? Maybe....but that's not the point. Actually, I may even bet the pain seems deeper at times because we become more aware of it. We can't leave Jesus out in the midst of our darkest pain if we want healing. But we can share it and run to him and throw it on him and feel lonely with him and grieve with him and rejoice with him in the midst of our unmet longings.

So, it is my prayer that the goodness of  the Lord will satisfy me at all times. Let me just honestly say right now that I'm not there. As I heard a co-worker pray today, "Jesus, help us hold our lives loosely, because they are yours anyway." He is our dwelling place, our refuge in the storm.

What deep desire have you been afraid to let him see? How beautiful it is when we know Him and are known by Him, brokenness and all.