But the concept of grace in marriage has completely overtaken me the past couple of days after a wonderful marriage retreat from our church. I would say that most of marriage is a give and take. We both work right now, so we don't have as defined roles as some as far as what is appropriate for the husband to do and what is appropriate for the wife to do. I normally cook: He does dishes. I normally do laundry: he mows the grass and pays bills. I probably clean more, but he definitely does some. He does schoolwork, I take naps :) Needless to say, this is good and this is how we manage our lives. But even our roles create this checks and balance system sometimes. If I do dinner and laundry and clean all on the same day and see dishes in the sink, I can be hot (not in a good way:)) at times because I feel that it is not even. And I'm still trying to work through the idea of how we can have roles and duties and expectations that are good while still allowing grace in the relationship. But that's not the focus of this blog now.
And this goes beyond duties. I'll be at church listening to a sermon and think, "I hope he's taking this in right now." Where I should be saying, "Jesus, this is impacting me. How do you want to change me?" So, how come it is so much easier for me to be his Holy Spirit instead of surrendering to what the Holy Spirit is doing in me? How come I want to take control and be the Holy Spirit for him? Well, part of me knows how come. It goes back to the fall and part of the curse for women was desire (desire for control) for her husband.
I am on my own journey with Jesus. My husband is on his own journey with Jesus. And we are on our journey with Jesus together. But I cannot expect his journey to be my journey or mine to be his. With any relationship, each of ours with Jesus is unique, and we will respond to Him differently.
I was so convicted of two things this weekend: that I have not been honoring the man that God has given me, and that I do not operate in a grace mentality. I am a counselor. I talk about grace all day long. I have this metal artwork hanging on my wall at work that spells out GRACE. And yet, in marriage it is difficult for me to be transformed by it.
But I think that is the whole point. The word grace in itself means that we cannot earn it or do anything enough to get it. That scares me. Honestly, I like earning sometimes because I have high expectations for me and others. But with the strength of Jesus, we can die to ourselves and let grace transform us. And I long to be that kind of wife for my husband: the one that he feels safe to come to and lets me in on the most vulnerable parts of him because he trusts the grace that has transformed me. I want to be the one that is supporting him in all things, that is praying fervently for him. I definitely am going back more to the verse that marriage is a mystery, because the more I learn, the more mysterious it gets. But I am oh so thankful to get to be a part of this mystery of how grace is transforming us as I walk with my husband through life. And I'm so thankful that no matter what season we are in, the Holy Spirit leads us.
