I get the most wonderful privilege of getting to hear people's stories multiple times a day, and while it is difficult at times, I don't know if there is anything else I would rather be doing. I feel very honored.
And these stories are sometimes filled with dark pain and hurt, but there are also glimpses of beauty and hope and restoration.
And sometimes I wonder...what would I do in that situation? How would things have been different for me if my dad had left when I was younger or if I came from an alcoholic family or if my sibling had attempted suicide? I'm not sure. And I don't want to say that I've felt the same exact pain as each person, because I'm sure I have not. But I wonder at times, "What would be my response if I was in their shoes?"
I was listening to a J. J. Heller song the other day on the radio driving home from work. There was a phrase in there, "All she wanted, was a baby to hold. She's still waiting at 41 years old. Her life feels like a tragedy." And I started thinking, what if that was me in 15 or 20 years. What would my response be then. I could definitely see myself feeling like that if I had wanted and anticipated something my whole life to see it never come to fruition. The song was about God's goodness despite us not understanding.
Because I believe that it is hard and difficult to grasp these heartwrenching pains of our deepest desires not being filled. And they are good and God-given desires - being close to family, having children, not having someone close pass away, having enough to provide for your family, doing the career you always dreamed.
We feel at times like we have 2 choices. We can do the obvious...act out and complain, become bitter, blame our lives on our circumstances, try to grasp whatever happiness we can at the moment to soothe this aching in our soul. Or we can choose not to feel. I tend to lean towards this end of the spectrum. I can face a lot if I brace myself for it. If I already give into the worst, then I don't feel defeated. So, maybe someone's thinking, "I've always wanted to meet someone and get married, but if I give into the fact that this isn't going to happen, then I can suppress my deepest longing for this and not feel the disappointment as much of it not happening."
And when we look at both options, they both seem understandable but destructive in their own ways. We know that acting out can bring bad consequences. But when we close ourselves off from feeling pain, then we also close ourselves off from feeling joy. But we need a third option. How do we bring Jesus into this? I'm going to be slow to speak here or give too much advice. I'm not sure exactly how, but I know he must be there in the midst of us knowing his goodness but not understanding at all the heartwrenching pain within us. And does that make it better? Does that make the barren woman not want to have children anymore or the jobless anxious father not anxious? Maybe....but that's not the point. Actually, I may even bet the pain seems deeper at times because we become more aware of it. We can't leave Jesus out in the midst of our darkest pain if we want healing. But we can share it and run to him and throw it on him and feel lonely with him and grieve with him and rejoice with him in the midst of our unmet longings.
So, it is my prayer that the goodness of the Lord will satisfy me at all times. Let me just honestly say right now that I'm not there. As I heard a co-worker pray today, "Jesus, help us hold our lives loosely, because they are yours anyway." He is our dwelling place, our refuge in the storm.
What deep desire have you been afraid to let him see? How beautiful it is when we know Him and are known by Him, brokenness and all.
And these stories are sometimes filled with dark pain and hurt, but there are also glimpses of beauty and hope and restoration.
And sometimes I wonder...what would I do in that situation? How would things have been different for me if my dad had left when I was younger or if I came from an alcoholic family or if my sibling had attempted suicide? I'm not sure. And I don't want to say that I've felt the same exact pain as each person, because I'm sure I have not. But I wonder at times, "What would be my response if I was in their shoes?"
I was listening to a J. J. Heller song the other day on the radio driving home from work. There was a phrase in there, "All she wanted, was a baby to hold. She's still waiting at 41 years old. Her life feels like a tragedy." And I started thinking, what if that was me in 15 or 20 years. What would my response be then. I could definitely see myself feeling like that if I had wanted and anticipated something my whole life to see it never come to fruition. The song was about God's goodness despite us not understanding.
Because I believe that it is hard and difficult to grasp these heartwrenching pains of our deepest desires not being filled. And they are good and God-given desires - being close to family, having children, not having someone close pass away, having enough to provide for your family, doing the career you always dreamed.
We feel at times like we have 2 choices. We can do the obvious...act out and complain, become bitter, blame our lives on our circumstances, try to grasp whatever happiness we can at the moment to soothe this aching in our soul. Or we can choose not to feel. I tend to lean towards this end of the spectrum. I can face a lot if I brace myself for it. If I already give into the worst, then I don't feel defeated. So, maybe someone's thinking, "I've always wanted to meet someone and get married, but if I give into the fact that this isn't going to happen, then I can suppress my deepest longing for this and not feel the disappointment as much of it not happening."
And when we look at both options, they both seem understandable but destructive in their own ways. We know that acting out can bring bad consequences. But when we close ourselves off from feeling pain, then we also close ourselves off from feeling joy. But we need a third option. How do we bring Jesus into this? I'm going to be slow to speak here or give too much advice. I'm not sure exactly how, but I know he must be there in the midst of us knowing his goodness but not understanding at all the heartwrenching pain within us. And does that make it better? Does that make the barren woman not want to have children anymore or the jobless anxious father not anxious? Maybe....but that's not the point. Actually, I may even bet the pain seems deeper at times because we become more aware of it. We can't leave Jesus out in the midst of our darkest pain if we want healing. But we can share it and run to him and throw it on him and feel lonely with him and grieve with him and rejoice with him in the midst of our unmet longings.
So, it is my prayer that the goodness of the Lord will satisfy me at all times. Let me just honestly say right now that I'm not there. As I heard a co-worker pray today, "Jesus, help us hold our lives loosely, because they are yours anyway." He is our dwelling place, our refuge in the storm.
What deep desire have you been afraid to let him see? How beautiful it is when we know Him and are known by Him, brokenness and all.
