Fighting for Rest

It's been one of those seasons the past couple of months. Maybe you have found yourself in one too. There's so much to do, so many things on the list of life to do, that it just seems to be one big blur- day in and day out. The days run together. And it's so easy to get sucked into this cyclical routine called life.

For me and Jon, we have been transitioning into this lovely thing called "jobs". I am used to my job being stressful during the school year. I am not used to his job being stressful, him working much longer hours, and him studying for 15-20 hours a week for the CPA exam. If only stress affected one of us in the relationship, but...That's impossible in a marriage. It affects both. So, I'm tired. He's even more tired. We get up and do the same thing over and over again. We are making something of ourselves. We are becoming better. We are achieving.
And before I blink, I'm getting lost. My soul is being taken away by what I have to do, by the to-do list that never seems to get done, by the house that is always just not quite clean, by the case notes that have not finished being written, by the friends/family that have not been caught up with but should be, by the marriage that easily falls into performing certain roles. And I'm tired. My body is tired. My spirit is tired. My soul is tired.

And so today as I had a few unexpected hours to myself (thanks to a kind boss), I thought through everything that I could get done in those hours that I otherwise wouldn't have time for. I knew that I needed to fold laundry that was cleaned last night, throw dinner in the crockpot, go to the grocery store, put the dishes away, get out of my pajamas and get dressed, and eventually get to work. I knew I had to complete certain obligations that would not magically disappear if I didn't do them. Those responsibilities were in the back of my mind since the time I woke-up, but the stronger pull was just to stay. Stay longer than I should sitting, savoring, sipping, being.  It was so hard. I spent my normal 15 minutes with Jesus, and my task-oriented mind wanted to move onto the next thing. But just to stay...

To not rush away.
To not go chasing the next task.
To not run away from the disappointment
Or the hope.
To not pretend.
To not distract.
To not have an agenda.
To not be pleasing anyone else.
To just stay...

And so I did this morning. I sat on my couch with my cup of hot tea and stayed. I stayed talking. I stayed listening. I stayed enjoying. I stayed...resting.
I came away so refreshed this morning.
I still didn't get the dishes done.
I'm looking at my unfolded laundry now.
The rest of the day brought it's own stress with it. The fairytale ended. I went back to reality.
But it was okay.
Really. Because my soul was so refreshed.

And I came away from my time today reminded that moments like today don't magically appear, no they have to be fought for to appear. People will still need me. Chores will still be there. Tasks will not go away. But as much as I am getting pulled into finding my identity in these things, I have to run, run with all I have to Jesus. And my heart cries something like this to Him:

"I'm here.  I'm trying to find my worth in other things again. But I'm not going to do it. I just want to be with you. Jesus, can we just stay? Can you remind me of my worth again? I know you see me spinning my wheels so tirelessly. I know you see the futile efforts that I give in my day to try to control my world. I know you see me try to carry my own boulder on my shoulders day after day. 
But I'm here. And for now, I'm not spinning, I'm not carrying, I'm not toiling.
 No, I'm just being..."

So, for any of you natural perfectionists or workaholics like me out there, maybe working harder, being involved in more, keeping everything going isn't what you need more of. Maybe, just maybe, like me, you need to take some time and step away and just be with your Savior. It's a mysterious and wonderful thing to be wooed once again by your Maker in the midst of the routine and mundane. It is a fight to just be, but it is a worthwhile and beautiful fight.

Killing Death

Death.
I hate death. Of course I don't like any kind of death, but the death I really hate right now is suicide.
The definition of suicide is the act of killing oneself intentionally.
And I hate it.
As a counselor, this word is part of my job, and on crisis, it's part of my day to day, moment to moment routine.
It's heavy. It's dark. It's despairing. And it's painful.

And everyone who is suicidal has a story of why this life is too much to bear anymore, why the pain is too deep to hold. It's real. It's broken. The hurt is too much. Most people are not making that up. For so many, death seems like the only escape from the struggle, the only sense of relief from the constant circumstances that rip away at their soul. Life has become too excruciating to continue. So, I sit there, and I hear about horrific stories- stories that should not be a part of anyone's life, stories that have robbed people of their personhood, their sacredness, their being. Stories that are marred with darkness and suck the life and joy out of them.

And I hate it. I hate that it seems that death has won in so many instances.
John 10:10 states, "The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy..."
And I hate him! I hate Satan and how he has stolen innocence and purity, how he has killed joy and passion, and how he seeks to destroy one's very life through the lies that he weaves. I hate it! I hate it!

This blog is not to take a stance on "Is suicide a choice, or is suicide wrong?" Those questions are way too loaded and deserve complex answers. It is also not to make light of the struggle of suicide, because it is real, and I am so very sorry if you find yourself in that place now. Finally, it is not to undermine the lives lived by people who did commit suicide, because their lives are just as precious too.
But the purpose of the blog is to say, "Satan, I hate you! I hate the craftiness you weave into people's minds that takes away life! I hate how you deceive! I hate how you destroy."

And yet, I know I can't talk about suicide and death long before looking at my own life. I honestly can say that I have never up to this point in my life had any suicidal thoughts in regards to wanting to take my physical life. But man, does Satan not want to steal and kill and destroy my life, my innocence, my joy, and my passion through other ways? Yes he does! And how does death raise it's ugly head in my life at times? By instances like this:

"Rachel, your purpose is in your title at work."
"Rachel, you deserve people to understand you more."
"Rachel, your savings account is your security in life."
"Rachel, don't share that vulnerable part of you- people aren't going to look at you the same if you do."
"Rachel, you better be perfect."
"Rachel, people aren't worth the time to love."
"Rachel, stay as busy as possible, that way you will be worth something."
"Rachel, who cares about disrespecting your husband?"
"Rachel, just keep looking at Facebook. It will take that void away."
"Rachel, you don't really have to speak the truth in love. Just ignore it. It will go away. They will go away."

And it could keep going and keep going.
I sit here in tears thinking through the lies that Satan longs to use that can steal, kill, and destroy my life. It may not seem that my sins listed above are correlated with suicide...
BUT THEY ARE!
I cannot look at actual suicide in someone else's life before smelling the faint aroma of death in my own. Charles Spurgeon says the following:
"When Satan cannot get a great sin in he will let a little one in, like the thief who goes and finds shutters all coated with iron and bolted inside. At last he sees a little window in a chamber. He cannot get in, so he puts a little boy in, that he may go round and open the back door. So the devil has always his little sins to carry about with him to go and open back doors for him, and we let one in and say, ‘O, it is only a little one.’ Yes, but how that little one becomes the ruin of the entire man!”
So, all sin does lead to death, no matter what it is.

Everything thus far seems so hopeless. And it is. Thankfully, it is not the end though. The second part of John 10:10 says, "I have come that they may have life and have it to the full."
The list that I wrote about myself above are lies that Satan uses to steal the fullness of life away from me. But Jesus longs to give me life! He longs to give me passion and purpose! He longs to breathe air into my dried up soul. And this lady needs it- DESPERATELY! I'm so sick of letting Satan's lies suck away my joy in Jesus. Satan's lies create bondage. Jesus' life creates freedom.

So, while death may seem like the only way of escape, please my hurting friend, don't get swept into the lie that death is better than life. Death destroys. Life transforms!

Goodbye Bondage

If I could describe these past 2 months in 1 word, I would say it would be FREEDOM.

Freedom from my patterns, my bondage, my perfectionism, my control.

And it has been so so beautiful. I’m very thankful.

The more that I am on this journey called life, the more I realize how little I have figured out. But I’m coming to a place where I am okay with that.

My identity is not tied in what I do, who I am married to, how much money I have, or what family I come from. My identity comes from being fully loved, delighted in, and adored by my Maker.

Does that mean I don't want to be a Licensed Professional Counselor so much it hurts?  Not have expectations for my husband? Not want bigger or better things? Not care about relatives/friends opinions? No, no, no, and no. I’m still human, and people/circumstances still affect me. But my worth is not determined by these things.

My worth is in Jesus. And because of that, I believe I am able to have a more grateful spirit. I’m able to love my husband more the way that Christ loves him (okay, a percentage of time I do that). I’m able to counsel from a place where it is overflowing in my own life, even if I’m an amateur counselor. I’m able to be free and transparent in relationships because I have nothing to hide.

This no longer is about having the picture perfect life that I once dreamed about.

No, this is about finding out more how God uniquely made me to be and learning to love well from this spot now- as a married, currently childless, professional, 25 year old living in VA. And I could not be any more grateful for where He has me now.

So, I know those valleys will appear again. I know I will so easily become entangled in the things that I feel free from now. I know change will happen and suffering will come. But for now, I want to remember how He’s worked in my life and hope to encourage others that He wants to do the same in yours.

Needs...Obligation or Choice?

So, going from my last blog, about being real, I think that can open up a lot. To be real about frustration and sadness and disappointment and anger is hard.

But another topic that I feel like the Lord has been working in my heart is NEEDS. We all have needs. We have physical needs, to have enough water, enough food, enough sleep, shelter. As Americans, we are so privileged in these areas compared to most of the world. We also have relational needs, to feel wanted, to feel loved, to feel valued. We have spiritual needs, to confess, to worship, to grow, to serve.

So before I write these blogs, it normally is months in the making of God working something in me. Something I am learning is that my needs are not bad. Just as I would not tell someone that they shouldn't be thirsty after running a marathon, we do not have to deprive our emotional and spiritual needs in the name of "selflessness". For a recovering perfectionist, this is huge.

Selflessness is not cutting myself off from my needs and focusing on the needs of others, even if that means bitterness grows because I'm hiding. Instead, I am CHOOSING to meet the needs of others, not obligating myself to meet those needs. But choosing means just that, I have choice. I have choice after work whether I am going to take a nap, make my husband dinner, call my family, or be involved in a ministry.
Part of the beautiful thing of the gospel is that we can share our needs with each other. I can request something of someone. I can then give them choice to fulfill that. They are able to do the same from me, and I have choice to fulfill that.

I don't have to be superwoman and try to pretend that I don't have any needs and do everything! Why else would we need Christ and need the body of Christ?  No, again, I can be real and human. I have limitations- physically, mentally, spiritually, and emotionally. And I don't have to pretend that I don't. I think I have missed out on so many blessings throughout the years by pretending that I am only there to meet other people's needs, not receive my needs being met.

So, let's make space to share our needs with each other and give each other the choice and potential blessing of meeting those needs, not the burdensome obligation of having to do so. Oh what freedom this brings!

Organic...or FAKE?

Organic foods are quite the hype these days.
There are a few things I buy organic. I would probably like to buy more, but for money and time, that doesn't happen right now.
But I feel like as Americans, a lot of our eyes have been opened. We want the real stuff...the most nutrition, freedom from the pesticides and chemicals. We are wanting to move away from the processed to the raw.

Yet, I am so bad at this when it comes to emotions and relationships.
Being organic with how I feel. Being raw. Being real.
And most of the time I don't have to. I'm a counselor, so I'm really good at asking other people questions instead of having to share myself. That comes quite naturally. So many times I want to stuff my feelings down beneath the questions, beneath the smile, beneath my Southern hospitality, beneath the approval seeking, beneath the performance driven behavior. A lot of times, the raw is underneath the fake. Perfectionism keeps me isolated. I want to be a good counselor, a good wife, a good friend, a good small group leader, a good Christian. I also want people to perceive me as these things. And that mindset breeds way to hide in shame when struggles do come, when I'm stinking it up in any of those areas. It puts the focus on myself instead of loving Christ and loving others well.

I have noticed though, that I am drawn the most to people who are just completely genuine with who they are, the good, the bad, the ugly.
There is something beautiful about someone being free to fully be themselves and to not have to hide beneath the burden of their own or of others' expectations of them.

So, one of my goals for this year is to be raw, to take off my "perfect mask" and just enjoy being. Part of taking off that mask is to be more transparent and honest about confessing my struggles to others and Jesus, not because I have to, but because it breeds freedom to the deepest part of my soul.

Wounds

Wounds...  Merriam Webster defines it as:  an injury to the body (as from violence, accident, or surgery) that typically involves laceration or breaking of a membrane (as the skin) and usually damage to underlying tissue.

A breaking of the skin and damage to the underlying tissue.
They come in so many sizes and shapes. I still have a few scars on my body from when I got hurt as a child. And I'm sort of one of those weird people who like scars because they have memories behind them. I have one on my knee from where I fell off my bike in my grandmother's driveway. I have another one on my back from where someone's glasses in their pocket tore my skin through my clothes when I bent down to hug them. I have another one on my hand from the first meal that I made for my dad when my mom was out of town when I was 15 when I burnt my hand on the oven. At the time, none of this pain was welcomed or enjoyed. I'm sure I screamed or did not think happy edifying thoughts when each of those instances happened. But now, I look at the scars as memories.

Then there's emotional pain that breaks through the surface to what is underneath. I don't want to pretend that I have experienced more than I have. During adolescence, the most traumatic things that had happened to me were probably break-ups that seemed a really big deal to me at the time but so menial compared to the hurt others my age had. But for me, they were still wounds. They broke that surface and hit the core of me underneath.

While pain can be thought of as these big events, it's also the small everyday things that happen. It could be when I seem to go unnoticed; or when I did not perform as I had hoped I would; or when there is just disappointment in general from my expectations of how life would be; or when I am lonely. This pain is real too and triggers what's underneath, something deeper than just the surface.

Merriam Webster also defines healing a:s to make sound or whole. I am no doctor. I do not pretend to know how exactly the process of healing works. But, I know with any pain, healing is always the goal. A doctor does not just treat symptoms but the disease underneath the symptoms. There are different treatments depending on the disease: whether it's strep throat or diabetes or cancer. The point is, the proper treatment must be put in place for each of the wounds for healing to occur. And so easily we want to think this only applies physically, but it doesn't, the same is true for our emotions and our soul. 

We may have some common symptoms like being sad or anxious that show emotionally. Underneath the symptoms though is pain, and each person's pain is different. I personally like to avoid my pain more than focus on it.  But avoiding doesn't bring healing. Jesus bring healing. So what must be done for us to let Jesus heal us? Well, that may be unique for each of us depending on what the wound is and how severe it is. Some of these examples of healing our pain could be through community, relationship, or counseling. But for all, we must come and show Jesus our wounds, and not only show Him our wounds and tell Him how much it hurts, but give them to Him, maybe day after day or whenever we feel that pain, which may be different for each of us. We are purposefully inviting the healer into the most sensitive, vulnerable, and hurtful places of us while we trust His gentle care to heal us.

My wounds are not the same as someone else's,  but Jesus is the same. His power is shown perfect in weakness. He came for those who NEED Him, not those who can piece it back together on their own.We do not have to be afraid to give our wounds to a loving Savior who bore our sin to give us life.

"Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light." -Matthew 11:28-30-